Running a DVD rental store can have it's up and downs. Me and my wife who is an ugly old hag have run this store together for years, and over the years, we've learnt how to deal with some annoying customers. But one day, we got a weird customer so weird in fact, that he gave us an experience that my wife and I shall never forget.
It happened a few weeks ago, I was running the front desk, while my wife was smoking a cigarette in the smoke room. An old man walked into the store, and he looked like Santa Clause. He had a red woolly hat on his head. He came up to me, and placed a DVD on the desk.
"What's this?" I asked. "A DVD idiot." The old man replied. Before I could complain over the fact he had called me an idiot, the old man had already continued speaking, "this DVD is a little present made by me and my friends. We've been using your store for quite a while now." The old man finished speaking. "And what exactly is the DVD about?" I asked. "That I shall not say my dear, but rest assure you will enjoy it. I promise." The old man explained. The old man then left through the front door, leaving me alone with the DVD.
I took it to my wife, and asked her about the old man, and if she had ever sold anything to him before. Because I certainly hadn't. She told me that she had never seen that man before, and certainly had never sold anything to his friends. I looked at the window which showed the streets outside, and the old man was staring at us, he finally left and gave us a wink as he did so.
Twenty minutes later, I was in the break room, with my wife drinking tea as we debated whever or not we wanted to watch the DVD. I should also mention that my wife's name is Edith. Don't why I didn't say that information earlier. "I think we should watch it Lazarus." Edith said. "But what if it's a dodgy tape of a man eating his fingers?" I asked. Edith slapped me with a rolling pin, and said, "shut up, and put the thing in. You know that any lost episodes out there are taken directly to Harold Saxon himself." Edith explained. "Yes but I don't exactly want to get Mr Saxon involved in this." I said as I put the disc into the DVD player.
The DVD started by showing some commercials for DVD's of shows that I had never even heard of til now. The main menu then appeared. it was a picture of the old man drinking a cup of coffee, and winking at the screen. It had two options.which were written over his face in red letters. The first one was 'play episode, and the second was called 'hello from us.'
Curious, I clicked it, only to be treated to a video of the old guy and who I can only assume to be his friends dancing one of them was also elderly, and the other was a big fat guy with a bold head. They were thanking us for putting in their DVD, and then they.... and I'm not even joking here, did a rap. I shall not repeat it just trust me when I say it was bad. I mean really bad like Snoopy Snoopy Dog levels of bad like when he murdered those dogs by feeding them peanut butter.
I'm getting off track. I apologise for that. I headed back to the main menu, and clicked play episode instead.
The intro was different. The pirate captain said, "you're not ready kids, You're really not." 'Oh no' I thought . Was this going to be another lost episode we got enough of that when some guy sent us Squidward's suicide. But then the captain said, " you're not ready because I haven't had my tea yet." As the captain began drinking down his hot sweet tea. He finished it, and allowed the intro to continue. It was normal. Though SpongeBob looked ill. Like seriously ill, with a full beard on his face, and a red woolly hat on his head like the old man from earlier. He was also wearing a large grey trench coat. The title card then appeared, and it read 'Homeless SpongeBob.' The title card had a picture of SpongeBob eating leftovers, and looked nasty because he was eating with his mouth open. The music that played during the title card was 'Tainted Love' by the band Soft Cell.
The episode soon began, with SpongeBob being thrown out of his pineapple house by two unnamed fish. One of whom looked like the con man from '"Chocolate With Nuts." SpongeBob's stuff as well as Gary were also thrown out to him by the two fish. "Why are you doing this?" SpongeBob asked inbetween sobs. "Because Mr Pants you're late on your rent again. We gave you a three month eviction notice so it's not like you didn't know." The con man look alike explained while eating some disgusting looking doughnuts. SpongeBob pleaded for the fish to give him another week, but they refused, and left without saying another word.
SpongeBob sighed, and began to leave, with Gary following behind him. He didn't take his stuff because Squidward had set on fire with a flame thrower. "Well at least I've still got you Gary." SpongeBob said when all of the sudden Gary was ran over by a big truck. He was smashed into smithereens, and his blood oozed out. "Oh my God Lazaarus that's real blood!" Edith exclaimed at the top of her lungs. Then we realised it was just ketchup as Gary once worked in a ketchup factory. Remember that?
Also, SpongeBob didn't seem to mind the death of his beloved pet snail, and began laughing. But not a happy laugh, a laugh which says, "I ate your pizza, and then I took a dump in your toilet without flushing it!"
The scene then transioned to show SpongeBob inside Mr Krab's office at the Krusty Krab. "SpongeBob me boy what brings you here?" Mr Krabs asked. "Mr Krabs Sir." SpongeBob began. "What is it boy did somebody find out about the meth lab?" Mr Krabs asked. "No. I've been evicted from my home, and have nowhere else to live. Can I move into the Krusty Krab again like I did a few years back?" SpongeBob asked. "Frick no!" Mr Krabs yelled, as he began beating the ever loving daylights out of the sea sponge. Edith passed out on the floor, but I didn't bother to check on her, and continued to watch the episode.
"I won't have a homeless hermit living in me Krusty Krab! You people are like Nazi's but worse!" Mr Krabs yelled at the top of his lungs, before throwing SpongeBob out of the Krusty Krab. "And if you ever come back, we'll cut into pieces, and make you into a lamp." Mr Krabs said as he made his way back inside the restaurant.
"Right think SpongeBob think." SpongeBob began saying as he walked through the streets of Bikini Bottom late at night. "There's loads of homeless people in Bikini Bottom. So there must be some sort of homeless shelter around here somewhere." SpongeBob said. He searched through the streets for two hours. Believe me I checked my watch, He reached a dark alleyway where a fish wearing a chef costume was sitting. "Food please..." SpongeBob cried out.
"No food only meth." The fish said. "Will it take away the pain?" SpongeBob asked. "Does a man eat eclairs with a spoon? Of course it'll help." The dealer gave SpongeBob a big dose of the stuff, and then said, "at first it's free, but then it goes up like a motherducking race car." The dealer warned.
A time card came on screen, which read, 'two months later' and it showed a montage of SpongeBob living out his new homeless life style. The music that played during the montage was 'A Whole New World' sung by an Irish man. It showed that SpongeBob had become heavily addicted to meth, and had also began robbing shops including the Krusty Krab and Chum Bucket just to keep himself from dying of hunger as well as the fact he needed money to get more meth. He had also been sleeping in the local church, after beginning a relationship with Father Wentbar. He was also dawning the look he had in the intro with the trench coat and the woolly hat to boot.
However, it then showed a scene of SpongeBob once again trying to break into the Krusty Krab so he get some money to get some more meth. However, he shot down by Mr Krabs who was carrying a bazooka for some reason. It killed SpongeBob instantly. "You little yellow bastard! I treated you like a son me boy!" Mr Krabs cried as he shot himself too. Only he didn't die, instead he became a changed crab.
It then showed a montage of Mr Krabs living out his new life as the most generous crab in the whole of Bikini Bottom. He is also seen throwing Pearl out of the house, as he has become a racist towards whales for some unknown reasons.
The episode showed no credits, instead cutting straight back to the main menu. Edith got up, and I grabbed her wrinkely chin, and forced her head to look at the screen. "We need to get Harold Saxon in." I said. I should also mention that the menu now had a picture of SpongeBob doing meth, and Mr Krabs wearing a.... BDSM outfit? Okay? It's kind of hot actually. I'm getting off topic again aren't I?
I called Harold Saxon, and as soon as he heard the words 'lost episode' he said, "I'll be right over!"
Also, if you're wondering who Harold Saxon is, and I know you are my lovely reader. He is basically a man who plans to destroy every lost episode on the planet, he first began his crusade with "Squidward's Suicide" back in 2004 or 5. I don't know the bloody date alright! Saxon has had all these lost episode creators thrown into a maximum security jail.
Saxon soon arrived with three people following behind him, two of them being police officers Sam and Max who were anthropomorphic animals. Sam was a dog, and Max was a rabbit. Just don't ask. Like seriously don't ask. While the final person was a middle aged person with a heavy British accent. "Who are these clowns here for Mr Saxon?" I asked. Only to get a massive slap across the face from Saxon's gloved hand. "I'm talking here. These two cops are Sam and Max. Best cops and detectives on the entire force." "And this?" I asked pointing to the middle aged man. "This is Oliver Charles. He's the transport liaison." Saxon explained. "The car's disapeared Sir. There's no record of it. It literally just vanished!" Oliver cried out. I rolled my eyes, "I don't have time for your love story right now. It's in here Mr Saxon." I said as I lead them into the smoke room. We began smoking joints, while Edith made us cups of tea and scones. I hate scones. "Let's see this lost episode then." Sam said, as I put the disc into the DVD player.
After we done watching the DVD. Sam looked at me bewlidered, and said, "Good God! And that's real?" He then continued speaking with,"it's not a hoax or fan made animation?" I shook my head. "But this old man." Saxon began, "how did he and his friends get their hands on the original voice actors of the series?" "I don't know." I admitted. "When me and Max get back to the police station, we'll put a bounty on this old guy's head as well as his fellow conspirators." Sam explained as he drunk his tea down in 1.5 seconds.
"That's not the only thing." Mr Saxon said as he continued, "this bold guy I believe he was in another lost episode entitled "SpongeBob Needs Help." His name is Rabe Maniels, and he was masquerading as a policeman for quite some time. We may have finally found him." Saxon finished. "He tried to kill the person who saw his episode, but his fellow officers intervened at just the right time." Saxon explained. "We've been trying to catch him for months." Max said. "Maybe he's in here!" Oliver said as he did an evil laugh. He took off a zip he had on his head for some reason, and stripped down to reveal none other than Rabe Maniels himself.
"God that's better." Rabe said as he let out a massive fart. "It's him it's Rabe!" Sam, Max, and Harold cried out in unison. "Who are you really? And what have you done with Oliver?" I asked. "I am Rabe Maniels of course, and these are my friends." Rabe said as the old man from earlier, and the other old guy in the video walked in. "What are their names?" Sam asked. "I'm Wilfred Mott." The old man explained. "And I'm John Cornwall, and it's time for you lot to burn with us." John said, as a man wearing a hazmac suit walked in. He pointed his flame thrower towards us. As they continued their chant. "Burn with us! Burn with us! Burn with us!" We all backed up against a wall, as I closed my eyes... braising for impact.