Hello there my name is Notso Hott, and I am the younger brother of Frankely Hott. I believe Frankely had already posted here recounting the events he endured during the events of the Clubhouse Doomsday Project. So I won't bore you to death, but I will just let you know that I'm your typical British high school student who loves to play video games, get high, and eat pizza with my feet instead of my hands.
Anyways several months back, my brother Frankely got involved in a problem involving a supposed lost episode of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. He is currently living with The Shadow Reader at his house in the hills of Yorkshire where Anti-Pesto once hid back when they were been hunted down by Lord Victor Quartermaine and Mr Cretary.
Now as I stated earlier, I love video games. I mean really love. Like I've legit made love to, and gone on dates with some of them like some sort of Mr Krabs. In case you were wondering my favourite video game of all time would definitely have to be Resident Evil 4.
If you haven't played it yet I'm not gonna bother telling you the story or anything. Yeah because I'm the author of this story, and I can do what I like. I will however tell you that one time in school I shat my pants after getting laxatives spiked into my witty sunshine biscuits.
Anyways, as I was saying I love Resident Evil, and I have it on the mighty old PlayStation 2. That was until a man named Glancy Drown came to take it away due me being behind on my payments again. You see I had been living with Frankely in his flat in Bristol, and he had been using the money from his job as a hitman for the Faustin Crime Family to pay the bills. With him gone, I was forced to get a dead end job in Subway like some sort of Odd1sout.
So Drown took the game as well as several other items including my sofa. The rude carrot onion (A/N: yep finally brought that joke back. Happy Shadow?) I should mention that Drown was working for Granny Dryden's Gang though he was secretly an informant for the Federal Bureau of Narcotics. He took the game along with my other stuff to his private lockup down in Atlantic Que where Vincenzo Cill once made love to Toni under the fireplace which disgusted Sal The Pal.
Desperate to find another copy, and far too lazy to look on Amazon or eBay for another one. I mean why do something normal like that. There'd be no story then if I had done that. So instead I borrowed a copy of the game from a friend of mine at school named Richard Fatchurd. He lent me the ps4 remastered version of the game. Also I should probably mention before I forget that Fatchurd is proper fat. I mean no joke he legit has about 69 chins, and also wears a three piece suit all the time. Even in the summertime when the weather is fine. Once former headteacher Greg Blakeman had told him to take it off, but Fatchurd said to Greg: "no bro I'm a ninja turtle." Before walking off into the sunset while Love Is In The Air played in the background.
I apologize for that incredibly long tangent back to the tale at hand. So that day after school I practically flew off the bus which stunk of smelly farts and wee, and headed straight to my flat. I slammed the disc right into my... well Frankely's ps4, and waited for the game to load up.
There were no Capcom logos which was odd, and there was a logo for Rap Rat Cheese Incorporated which had Rap Rat's face taking up the whole screen. My TV is the size of the Empire State Building which made it even more terrifying. I took a shit in a trash can to calm the pain because I had eaten a lot of cheese at school that day.
When the Resident Evil 4 title screen appeared it looked normal. I clicked on New Game, and looked at the difficulty settings. There was easy, normal, and professional as normal but there was now an extra difficulty setting entitled extra cheesy. I was very curious to say the least so I decided that I would try it out. BIG MISTAKE!
The guy who normally says, "Resident Evil 4," after you clicked what difficulty you wanted to play the game on sounded like Betty White.
The intro to the game was different. For starters, the two cops driving Leon to the village looked really smelly, and couldn't drive for dog poop. They kept crashing into trees and shit. When they got the village one of the cops said to Leon "if I wasn't married I wouldn't be married." Leon got out of the car, and headed to the first house where he got attacked by a Ganado as normal.
However, the cutscene which shows the Ganado's truck ramming into the cops causing them to fall to their deaths was not shown instead a brief clip was shown which showed Al and Monkey drinking tea. "Oh Monkey! What makes PG so great?" Al asked to which Monkey replied with, "oh you know Oliver Twist is my favourite book written by the smelly man that was Charles Dickens." I shat into the trash can again.
After the clip ended, Leon got a call from Ingrid Hannagan, but it wasn't her it was Robin the green duck who loves digital style. "Hello?" Leon asked to which Robin replied with, "yes. If only there was some way to learn more information about this." Leon still said his lines as normal even though Robin never responded correctly to his questions.
Anyways, I made my way towards the village, and the game seemed to have gotten back to normal for the most part. However there were no Ganados whatsoever on the way up to the village. Even the villagers who point and yell at you from the cliff were gone. Leon was also not wearing his distinctive jacket, and was instead wearing a disturbing Shrek Halloween costume. Also there were no typewriters or items to pick up anywhere.
So I got to the village, but there was no call to Hannagan like there always was. When I got Leon inside the house where the Dr Salvador cutscene plays even weirder things began to happen. Well Dr Salvador didn't actually appear. He was instead replaced by Willie The Giant who proclaimed, "I want my fucking chicken back Donald Duck!" He crashed into the house causing it topple over. Leon managed to escape, and I made him climb up the bell tower. At the top of the tower, Leon got throwed out by Mr Duncan and his grand army of turtle duffs.
Then just as Leon was about to die the toilet duck appeared on the scene in a massive sink which had legs for some reason. The bath picked Leon up, and Duck rode with him into the sunset. They crash landed outside the house where you meet Luis Sera for the first time, and Leon and Duck bid themselves an emotional goodbye despite only knowing each other for like five and a half seconds. Never the less, the scene was so emotional that it actually made me sob to the point of filling my entire room up with water. I could however breath under water so there was no real problem there I suppose.
Leon made his way over to the cupboard, and opened it. Luis fell onto the floor, and the cutscene played until... "perfect… the Big Cheese." Luis said as a big block of cheese with big muscly legs appeared on the scene. Leon eyes turned into blocks of cheese, and he attempted to eat the big cheese only to get knocked out by the radical moves of Michael Buble and his personal assistant Father Jessop who had a real hard on for my local Bishop.
Suddenly, the game did a major time skip, and skipped all the way up to chapter 3-1 where you are confronted by Ramon Salazar in the main lobby of the castle. Salazar looked even older than usual, and looked like he all needed was a bag of chips like Ollie the cat once did all those years ago when phones were orange, and my ass was steaming like a clam. Sorry I meant hams because that's what I call hamburgers. (A/N: this story is really weird isn't it? Don't worry you're doing really well! I'm so proud of you dear reader:))
Thankfully, Ashley was for some reason not present all during this chapter even though she is an essential part to this chapter she was not present. I fought the garrador like normal, and just as I was about to walk into the water room the game once again did a major time skip to the part where Salazar's right-hand man chases you in the castle catacombs. The right-hand man was Mr Krabs, and he began twerking towards Leon. Thankfully the elevator started working again, and I was able to go to the mines or I would have been had the game not done yet another random time skip.
It skipped to the part where Salazar tells about the ritual which Ashley is undergoing at the top of the tower. Leon throws his knife at Salazar's hand who says, "oh sugar honey ice tea!" The Shadow Reader's face then appeared on screen, and he sang, "whoever meets the fall gets the pull!"
It then skipped to chapter 5-2. Thankfully this would be the last unnecessary skip. I was at the part where you are confronted by the iron maidens. They were drawn in Disney animation which was odd. Also when they got close to Leon they didn't attack them they instead made him a cup of tea in a Mickey Mouse cup which stunk of cheese and vinegar you'd find under a bus in the deepest parts of Deep Town.
During the part with the bulldozer because Ashley was still not present I had to walk my way to the part where you get confronted by Lord Osmund Saddler in his living room. Saddler was dressed in a drag queen outfit, and said, "sup homie where's the rest of the eggs?" "Up my ass." Leon said as really weird music began playing in the background. Saddler then ate some disgusting looking soup, and turned on Mario Kart 8 before disappearing back into the shadows.
Chapter 5-3 began like normal however during the cutscene with Jack Krauser and Ada Wong: Ada was not present, and Krauser was talking to the wall, and acted like it was talking back to him. He was also wearing a steak on his head. The knife fight was smelly too as Krauser kept humping Leon because he always had a thing for wallpaper cushions.
Following the fight with Krauser, I fought IT but it was actually Pennywise from the original TV movie not the 2017 remake one which sucks. Yeah bite me. No really bite me. I like it when you do that. Yeah I'm a weird guy time to make me meds.
Ha! Only joking love I did that already or have I? Anyways, Leon then had the boss fight with Krauser who was still wearing his steak hat I was doing terribly, and kept fucking dying because Krauser was for some reason faster than the speed of light. His attacks all did insane amounts of damage. Just as I was about to die for the 69th time in a row... Father Ted's face appeared in the sky, and he yelled, "I SAID GET THE GUITAR!" This caused Krauser to blow up into a million tiny bitesize Squidward pieces, and thus enabled Leon to get the last piece of the puzzle which got him out of the arena.
Whilst waiting for chapter 5-4 to load up yet another brief clip played, but this one was different. It had a group of men having a conference in someone's office. After a few seconds I began to recognise all the men in the room. There was Mayor Ewan McAlister whom served as Mayor of Cardiff City, District Attorney Donald Jay Sandler, Governor Phil Green, and newspaper editor Harry Gaye. They were discussing some kind of scandal involving a LA Noire bootleg copy.
"We've got to put a lid on the press." Mayor McAlister said to which Donald Sandler replied with, "we can't allow that idiot General Asquith to bring down the whole administration." "Well can't somebody talk to Raymond over at the Daily Otter?" "It's too late," Gaye said before continuing with, "the Daily Otter would lose all of it's creditability if we dropped such a juicy story now."
McAlister poured himself a glass of scotch, and turned to face Green who was eating cheese covered in wimp rat sauce on the far side of the room. "Who is this Asquith?" Green smiled, and said, "he's the Chief of The Defence Staff. He's practically best buddies with the President. One word about our corruption gets to Trump then we'll all get life behind bars." "And now Rabe's name is attached to the bootleg as well as all of ours!" Donald cried out in despair.
"Can't we just erase all evidence of the bootleg existing?" Gaye asked Green whom replied with, "yes we can but Asquith won't let this thing go quietly. He's always been a persistent bastard." "Can't we get Richie to leave town?" Sandler asked. "He's already been taken care of." Green said evilly as head of the narcotics department Archie Colmyer appeared on the scene. "Good evening Governor. Mayor McAlister I presume?" Colmyer asked Ewan who looked rather smelly. "Who is this guy, and what does he want Green!?" Alister yelled angrily. It was so loud it caused me to have another shit in the trash can for the third time in a row. Well you know what they say three is the magic number. No it's not. Yes it is!
"Oh I think that the orders regarding Richie can be overlooked Mayor. He's been taken care of by Jocrassa Fel-Fotch." Colmyer explained before continuing with, "I have a story which might interest Mr Gaye here. It involves the commissioners of the London Police Force who have let their beautiful city down. They've betrayed Great Britain for The Shadow Reader and his crew of inane followers." Colmyer said while getting extra close to McAlister's face to the point of kissing. Colmyer x McAlister? I ship that. Get on that Shads Pads.
Colmyer took a sip from McAlister's glass of scotch, and said, "it would be all over the papers by tomorrow, and of course Mr Maniels and yourselves would be off the hook." Colmyer finished to which Green asked, "so what do you want in return Colmyer for selling out your bosses?" Also, Sandler was pulling a really cheesy face as he had shat his pants due to Green spiking his cup of hot chocolate with incredibly powerful laxatives. "I want a place in your little Syndicate, and a guarantee that I will become the new commissioner of the London Police Force." Colmyer explained. "That can be arranged." McAlister said as the screen cut back to the start of chapter 5-4.
During the chapter, Mike was not present, and Leon was left on his own until he reached the Plaga removal chair. Leon got the Plaga out of himself, and made his way towards the final showdown with Saddler. Saddler turned into Shrek, and ate Leon. "Oh Mr Kennedy you taste like poo." Shrek said while his eyes watered from the pain. Saddler then passed away from a bad case of indigestion.
The game then showed the end credits, and it featured a post credit scene of a man in a banana costume who said, "come on sexy eat me." Then it showed a clip of a plastic bag driving a car into a ditch in Murray Ville which is a town owned by Bill Murray.
I took the disc out, and put it back into the case. I was confused. Not about the game itself. That was awesome. I was more concerned over the fact that the Mayor of Cardiff and his associates appeared to be framing the commissioners for their corrupt deeds. I called Drown who told me to meet with him in the park. I needed the helps of his friends in the Bureau to bring those corrupt sons of bitches to justice.
When I got to the park however I found Drown getting hacked to death by six angry pissed off bikers led by Hudge the angry pissed off biker. Though I managed to stop the attack by cooking them a lovely supper of fish and chips: Drown still died from his injuries. When I asked why he was killed Hudge revealed that he had sold drugs to Drown, and he had contacts in the Federal Bureau of Narcotics who informed him of Drowns' federal ties.
Outraged, I killed Hudge in a fit of rage along with all of his men. I then made my way back to my flat to jack... I mean eat shoes. Yeah that's what I meant!
The following day, I made my way to school as normal. At school, I was called into the office by the headteacher Dr Crabblesnitch who said, "so boy... a little birdie tells me that he saw you killing seven angry pissed off bikers in the park yesterday." "It's not my fault Sir. I was only doing it because they killed my friend Glancy..." Crabblesnitch cut me off by saying, "Glancy? As in Glancy Drown?" I nodded my head violently like a throbbing chicken which Ed had a real hard on for. Crabblesnitch then did a massive face palm before saying, "Notso you fucking stupid fuck! Glancy was working for the Feds. He ratted out several good people like Granny Dryden and Johnny Hard Nuts otter rest his soul to them."
"So he really was working for the FBI?" I asked dumbfounded. "Yep. He's been working for them for months told them crazy stories about the Prime Minister being involved in lost episode and video game creating. What a dick right? He deserved to be killed by Hudge and his boys." "I thought he was working for the Narcotics Bureau?" I asked. "Yeah he was but he also worked for the main Bureau which dealt with espionage." Crabblesnitch then finished by saying, "well boy for killing Hudge and his boys. Even though they were angry pissed off bikers you're expelled for a month."
I made no attempt to argue. I instead confronted Fatchurd at his house well it was more like a mansion. "Wreck it Ralph!" Fatchurd's personal assistant Neddie proclaimed! "So Notso," Fatchurd began while pouring me a cup of steaming hot Tetley Tea, "I understand that you killed Hudge The Biker and his boys." "Yeah so?" I asked which caused Fatchurd to start making out with me very aggressively. "Good work! Thanks to you we now have proof that Hudge and his men were working for Rabe Maniels. We had our suspicions for a couple months now, but they just cut their own throat by murdering Drown for being an informant." "So you gave me that game to get evidence?" I asked. "Yes but Glancy getting killed wasn't part of the plan. He was a good guy, but he stank like cheese and wee. With Glancy dead, the Feds will be going after Maniels and his associates. Hopefully they can bring him to justice." Fatchurd explained.
"I'm sorry what was that?" Neddie asked who was busy having a phone call with Rarity. Anyways, I then proceeded to ask about Mayor McAlister and his connection to Maniels and Hudge. Fatchurd proceeded to explain while eating 5000 roast dinners and 8000 bowls of ice cream that McAlister along with Sandler and the rest of the people in the video were part of a syndicate known as The Rabe Maniels Crime Syndicate. Shadow Reader had reportedly sent a mole to infiltrate the organisation, but they are still unsure who exactly he sent.
"My money is on Skyrunner being the mole. He's always had a love for Wii Sports." Fatchurd explained while downing several 90 foot kegs full of Moe's Beer. As I violently sipped my tea a man walked into the mansion with an otter plush on his shoulder. It was The Shadow Reader! Skyrunner and Random Fiend stood beside him confidently. "So do tell me what's become of my trailer?" Shadow asked. "You lost it because of copy..." I got cut off as Shadow began beating me violently with a stick covered in poo and spikes.
"NO!" Shadow proclaimed before continuing with, "I lost it because Rabe Maniels took it away from me!" Skyrunner sighed before saying, "hey Shads don't be mad be glad because now we've got 100% confirmation that Hudge was indeed working for Maniels."
"So?" Random Fiend asked before continuing with, "our investigation got Glancy killed, and got the Feds breathing down our necks." "Be patient Fiend for in six months we'll be drinking wine, and eating pie in the sky with Goofy and his son Max while Pete makes love to a hot tub with Bobby the cheesy cheese dog." Shadow explained. "WRECK IT RALPH!" Neddie proclaimed again whilst still chatting to Rarity on the phone. "I ducking hate Rarity." Shadow said before picking Neddie up by the arms, and proceeded to throw him out the window. "Oh my Shego! Shadow you just killed him!" Skyrunner cried out whilst running over to the now broken window. "Oh don't worry Skyrunner I merely knocked him out. Rarity doesn't deserve anyone to call her.
Meanwhile in the My Little Pony universe, Rarity cried because no one liked her then a nuke got dropped on her Canterlot Boutique, and she died instantly from the explosive impact.
And so that concludes our little tale. As I finish writing this down in the living room of Fatchurd's mansion I beginning to wonder if maybe someone in Shadow's organisation is working for Maniels and his boys like how Glancy appeared to be a low level aspiring gangster, but was in reality working for the FBI. Perhaps Skyrunner or Random Fiend maybe even Fatchurd is working for Maniels. Giving him information so that he already has the upper-hand.
As I finish writing this down I have just one thing to say don't ever say never to the NES Classic. Thanks for reading. I just hope that Maniels and the Feds calm themselves down, and then the real fun can begin.